And so one must ask oneself---who can you trust? Can one even trust themselves? Can one answer that question honestly and have its answer stand up against the validity of the future? Does one ever know what may come one's way?
Perhaps these are variables that we cannot predict. But are we able to predict the behaviours of ourselves? I wonder.
Lately I have been reflecting on what it means to be a good person. How can one define this when we are all using a separate standard of measurement based on our own imprinting and experiences? When there is no universal code to go by...how does one summarize their existence and it's benevolence?
I feel so very few people reflect upon their behaviours and the effects they have on others. So many are so unaware. Unaware, or simply indifferent. I examine myself. I am weighted down by the unhappiness in myself that I am not able to give more, understand more, feel more.
Is it really so? Is it so that we exist in motivation solely for our own gratification--that ultimately it is our own desires being satisfied that determine our kindness and loving for another? Oh, say it ain't so.
But this is a truth that I fear.
Somewhere, what lies beneath us...we seek for only our happiness. Often we disillusion ourselves that if others can make us happy, then we are happy. We deceive ourselves that if we are happy, then others will be too. I am conflicted.
Often times I have been told that I do not care enough about myself. I am sure everyone has heard this in their time. But I feel I do. I know I am not a saviour, but often times I become consumed with people that I feel need the experience of my existence in their lives...that I need to help them unlock doors that otherwise will forever remain closed.
Is this ego? And if so, why do I physically feel the desire of this action stemming from a sensation in my heart? Why do I become overwhelmed and completely consumed with seeing a larger picture? Why do I feel that my motives are pure? Can I trust myself? Who can you trust?
I do not know the identity of the world we live in. I do not know how one is supposed to live, feel, what one is supposed to learn or seek. But I am relentlessly pained and feel the pangs of wanting to become more altruistic and make the world a better place. Why is such a good intention accompanied by so much pain and suffering?
I fear more than anything living a life doomed to superficiality, vacancy, selfishness, ego, pride, deception, and without empathy for my fellow man. And yet I find myself magnetically drawn to individuals whom live their lives just as that.
I can see it from far away. I know I am not a saviour, but it is my own saviour that I aspire to be. And somewhere inside of me, I feel that these individuals need me in their lives.
I have never lived on the surface. But perhaps there is nothing wrong with doing that.
One thing I do know, is that hell is below...and I have spent most of my life in that depth. What I don't understand is how my heart has always soared to great heights despite that.
So. Again, I wonder. Who can you trust? Can I even trust in myself?
"I cry out to no reply
and I can't feel you by my side
so I'll hold tight to what I know:
You're here...and I'm never alone."
B.G.
